Well, I'm here.

 Doing the thing I do best: procrastinate, process my less important thoughts by blogging instead of doing the things I actually have to. 

There's this essay by Foucault about sexual repression that I'm supposed to close read but close reading normal texts is already so hard..... we're out here asked to do it with theory.... I think I've already given up. 

I don't exactly owe this blog an update about my life because - it's me, only I read this, I know what's going on. What I do owe myself is an appraisal of the years past. What I think now about everything I've went through, something a bit more meaningful, more insightful. 

So, I'll start there. 

I've had intrusive thoughts since I can remember. Since my mom started comparing me to how * neat * or * well-behaved * my cousins were or whatever. Joke's on you, mom. I'm the only one out of all of them who got it into a local university, became a research scholar and peer coach there, and is on track for second class uppers (it was first class at one point) if I don't screw up (lol). All this while working my way up as a tuition teacher and ending up at a private school handling 3 graduating classes (well, 2 at the moment. but we'll see). 

I'm sure Hakeem will catch up and do really well too. He's brilliant. My baby brother. I'm rooting so hard for him. 

Also, I'm kidding, I love my mom. 

I'm writing this at my therapist's behest. I had a mental breakdown last night thinking I was a failure. Overwhelmed with the tasks at hand. This semester is merciless. 

I'm here to say that I've done well for myself. I am doing well for myself. Material assessments notwithstanding, I am hardworking, disciplined, dedicated and skilled. And I have the guns to show for it - or however that saying goes. I've made a lot of good quality friends (though I think I don't reach out to them enough) over the years. My family has my back and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

I'm handling this. 

Reading my past entries makes it no wonder I ended up where I am. You know, I don't think I ever gave my imagination enough credit. Teenage me was in my own world, and slipping easily between others too. My strong flair for language and the need to code-switch all the time gave me a knack for neologisms. It's no wonder I became a literature student and English teacher/writer. Hopefully more than that after I graduate.

Holy shit am I proud of myself for getting my shit together and picking myself up from the dusty, dependent NEET mess of a life I had with Terence. 

Nothing wrong with being a NEET once in a while. People deserve breaks and time to explore and find themselves, I get it. 

A small part of me wishes the old me could read this. I would tell her ... (time travel theories aside) ... that life gets hard. It gets really, really hard. Dropping out of NP was the tip of the ice berg. It was going to be nothing compared to what I was about to go through in my early 20's. That period will be characterised by rejection and failure. Hopelessness. Pain. 

I would tell her that life doesn't owe her anything, and it's better to learn that sooner rather than later. At some point it will destroy her and her faith. She will change completely... because she will figure out, that this ruthless world requires it. 

She will discover what it means to become her own person. To figure herself out. She will discover that she can really be who she wants to be. And she will want stability, recognition, academic pursuits. To make her parents and everyone who loves her, proud. She will want them to be able to tell people, 'That's my daughter/sister/niece/partner. That's right. Isn't she great?'  

But most of all, she will want peace. A compassionate but unshakeable inner space that she can always rely on to tell her to keep going. 

Keep going, Zaf. 

When you read this in the future, no matter what happens, Zaf, you've made it this far. I want you to know that whatever happens, I love you. You fought so hard. And I hope you're still fighting. Hey future Zaf, I remember how hard it was. And I hope you haven't forgotten. 

I hope you end up killing it at all the things you meant to achieve. 

I love you. Never forget that.