If loving you's a felony now, then I'm a renegade.

 Today my girlfriend made a ridiculous suggestion. 

Quit Write Edge, and she'll give me a bit of stipend every month to make up the difference.

All to alleviate my burdens. 

I love her, I love her so much. But I've been so independent (out of necessity and hard times) in the last few years that it's become my identity. Zaf is zaf because she can keep her shit together. She can handle things. And anyway that would mean we earn a lot less between the two of us. I'd rather have the safety net. Even though the kids drive me insane. 

Still. I felt loved and seen and cared for when she made that gesture. 

I've grown dependent. My guy friends will say this is unhealthy. My girl friends will say.... well, probably say, go hug your girlfriend, silly goose. Though that may well just be me telling myself that. 

I admitted to her (and to myself) for the first time that I needed her. It was difficult. I called her at 4am saying I couldn't sleep, that I missed her. She came over in a heartbeat. What did I do to deserve Naj? And then at the end of the day it was again hard to just ask her to stay a little longer. To admit that I just needed a bit more emotional and physical intimacy. That I wanted our day together to close on a satisfactory note.

They say your lover shouldn't 'complete' you, that you should be able to be happy on your own terms, that you shouldn't 'need' them. Because that's dependency. Dependency leaves you open and vulnerable to pain. It makes you less than yourself. 

But then... why love someone if you can't be vulnerable with them? Why love someone if you can't admit to them that you have demons, that you have weaknesses? 

Is it even love if you don't automatically feel better when you see them? We feel better because we know this person cares for you, more than anyone else. This person has seen all parts of you and still sticks around. 

Sometimes all you need is to be held, or to hear their voice, or to hold their hand. It's okay to need these things. I'm telling myself that it's okay to need these things now. 

My first physio session was today. My legs are weak as fuck. Gotta do neural glides, clam shells and bridge exercises every day. Fun. I can't want for this leg to feel normal again. 

And a note about school: My mental health takes precedence. I am going to do my assignments. I am going to dedicate all the time I can to them. However, I can only do good work when I am mentally stable. No assignment is worth losing my mental health over (i wish i believed this sincerely). I will mobilise my support channels when I need them. 

So... the lesson for today is: it's okay to need people. 

Goodnight.